Reminisce

Napadaan lang sa dating school with college friends, Melo and Chari. We decided to meet after having my checkup (while waiting for my results). With Melo, I always meet her, but I bought a preloved book from Chair, you check her Instagram site by the way, (books_2love).

Namiss ko to grabe!

With Chari, on the driver's seat, driving while sleeping

sunset on our way to Bea's house

kaka-miss to! Come let us to Southville sing! Stars and Hearts and laurels bring yeah whatever

Dito kami nagdu-duty nung college

And kung saan napakasarap ng hotdog sandwich! Selet sa Shell. Right in front of our college.

Club Balai Isabel

I was invited by my best friend, Melo to go with them at Talisay, Batangas together with her family for the Feast Day of San Guillermo on the 8th of February 2014. I was quite not myself because I went straight from work to packing to meet them somewhere in Alabang. We took the long road of NLEX and it was a fast drive from Alabang. Thanks to Kuya Jay and Ate Rucielle for the treat! I got the privilege to stay with them at Club Balai Isabel. We checked in on the 8th of February morning.

I was surprised because when we got there, everyone was so busy doing so many things. I was quite impressed because it made me realize how feasts of saints are very important to some people, while for us, we don't care that much. It's the same when I visited Cebu for the Sinulog Festival (again, it was a treat from my cousin. I never traveled using my own money. It was always free.) Everyone was still wide awake at night, preparing for the upcoming celebration. It was never really a big thing for us.

We stayed at the Orchard Lane; second floor of the three-story building. It was like a condo unit. I dunno it's hard to describe. There is one room with two double beds and two single beds outside with a pull-over bed under it.

(Upon entering the place, a mini dining area will welcome you)

 (This is where we slept. And a special mention to Twilight the fat Chihuahua)

(And beside the bed is the sliding door going to the mini terrace where you can have a drink at night and read your favorite book)

My friend gave me some time to take a nap because I was so not myself and after that, we changed to our swimwear and jumped into our first choice of pool, where a wedding was being held.

(The wedding motif was red. I kind of envy the wedding part but was immediately extinguished when I saw the groom and the bride.lol)

(From left to right : Yaya, Reese, Me and Melo)

(Pool 1 without the wedding setup and at daylight)

After experiencing this pool, we tried another one near or villa. There were a total of six swimming pools in this place, if I could remember it correctly. My stay was very pleasant and the people were very nice and accommodating. We didn't get to try this one lonely pool just right across the villa. It's about four feet I guess?

There was this "Tagong Gubat" (Hidden Forest) at the left side of the road going to the big infinity pool. That was me, with the big thigh, feeling like a stranger to this island.

1st picture was on the road going to the Infinity pool. You see, it's quite wide so you can do a lot of things. If I just weren't suffering from sleep deprivation and stomachache due to fart stopping, I would've jogged in the morning and smell the freshness of the world around me. If you want to relax and forget about the city buzz for a while, this is a very good place to start. It is nature friendly. Not for the party-people type but for the person with a busy career that needs to unwind a little, just like me. I felt refreshed and energized when I got home. It feels like the pollution I got from my work was cleansed out of my body.

 (I almost forgot to add this picture. That explains this lonesome pic)

(The beauty of Taal was not expressed here much because of the picture quality)

 (The empty restaurant that serves great pasta and Mango shake)

(Mini bar at the corner. The Bar and Restaurant is located near Swimming Pool 1, near the check-in counter)

There are so many things to do but so little time. At night, we went to party with the past generations, I think there was a tribute to them. Melo's cousin was the "kapitana" so I think that explains the good treatment. (LOL) What else did we do? Go to the flea market, church, and swim more! Special thanks to Makalintal family, Dimayuga family, and everyone else in Poblacion 5 Talisay Batangas. 

PS I feel like not myself today so excuse for expressing my hastiness in making this blog because Im not in the mood. I just felt like it was ages ago, and I needed to post this one.

Numb

Lately, I thought I've been feeling numb that I want to feel something. Something different that's not familiar to the senses or whatnot. I can't explain it but each time I feel cold, like literally, physically cold, I keep having weird thoughts that I, myself couldn't explain either. Maybe it's a postmenstrual syndrome, I don't know. I feel happy and ecstatic whenever around people but when I'm all alone, the feeling suddenly appears.

I think I was thinking if I should inflict physical pain to myself to awaken my senses and shake my sleeping soul. I feel entirely flat. Just living the normal life. Wake up, work, sleep, and that's about it. I was thinking if it's also related to ny best friend being resently officially in a relationship. I felt abandoned but that's not the perfect word to describe what I feel. Honestly, I'm happy for the both of them and I don't care actually.

I think I should get a tattoo. But I don't think that's an option because I don't think my current job is my dream job and I don't plan on settling here for so long. I am still waiting for that dream job to come and I'm ready to get a tattoo.

The last time I felt this weird, I got my ear peirced two at a time on one side. Eventually, I had to get rid of it because I can't hide my ear because we have to tie our hair at work.

So what is this feeling? I'm an empty shell. I can say people around are having a good timebhaving me around and to cope up to this emptiness, I am loud, I mean very loud.

I don't want to just feel this anger and regret solely, but something that wasn't there before. Something brand new is welcome. Maybe something like a Survivor challenge or sky diving or what?

Book Review : Invisibility by Andrea Cremer and David Levithan

I have no interest in reading this book when I saw it on Powerbooks but my best friend, Melo read the synopsis to me so that opened up my mind and hear to another David Levithan book.

This is very much unlikely of Levithan because knowing him from the book Everyday, the extraordinary protagonist lives in a very ordinary and realistic world. The main character struggles on its own and ends up sacrificing his love interest or so.

It ends up devastatingly (for perfect ending lovers) and lives you hanging and hoping that there's more. In this book, Stephen is invisible and only one person can see him, and why? This is not a spoiler review, but maybe, being the only girl that can only see the cursed Stephen, Elizabeth must have been extraordinary. So, that makes them two extraordinary people living an ordinary life in Manhattan.

I am not taking away credits from Cremer, and since I haven't read any of her works yet, I can't say much about her. Only, I think she was the reason behind this brilliant irony in the story.

In the middle of the story, it was nice to know that there is some kind of a cure for what has been done. There was hope. As I reach the further part of the novel, I got really bored and it slowed me down on reading. It took weeks for me to finish it.

The ending is still David Levithan-ish, if you know what I mean. I wasn't expecting the kind of ending it has because hope was presented in the middle of the story. There was a little spark inside me hoping for a miraculously good ending.

No spoilers intended so I am limiting my review with this: Love prevails and accepts what the eyes don't see. Every normality they thought was gone came back and they have no choice but to live with whatever they're satisfied with.

Fault in Our Minds

This blog isn’t about weird dreams or a review about the movie Fault In Our Stars. The feeling I have was triggered by the movie so, it’s good to do this blog right after watching the novel-turned-movie by John Green because I cried a lot on this movie, like in every part of it. The feeling just came pouring in and I just want to publish it right now without editing it, and just read it by tomorrow perhaps.

Anyway, let me just say that Shailene Woodley is an amazing actress and was very brave to have shown her bare face. She has no make-up at all. It’s obvious so I can tell, but of course, who knows? She is a new inspiration to me. She has all the freckles and other imperfections but still beautiful. That’s what girl power is all about! I love her!

I am going to talk about death. Sometimes, the way we witness death is different from the way other see it. Each experience is unique. Sometimes, it’s a matter of importance of that someone who passed away. It’s about the way a person stood in your life.

We say the same to a dying relative that we experience touch of death on someone we love but we only say that because it’s what’s appropriate and what’s supposed to be. Who doesn’t say they don’t love their relatives anyway? But it’s not the same with a relative or someone whom you dearly love; the way that a person touched and affected your life and became a big part of it. We can say, a close cousin who has become like a sister or a brother, your parents, grandparents, a friend or a best friend; it’s endless. We never know when life would be taken away from us.

Relating to the story of Hazel, her experience is unique. She has seen someone, a guy, who changed her life for a brief moment that feels forever, fade away slowly. She has seen Gus die each day, and with that her heart dies too. I was so caught up with the movie that I don’t even care if they’re laughing at me because they wouldn’t have understood the way each and everybody feels about it. The way they feel sometimes transpires in the story they see. Those teenager boys beside me are probably laughing but I don’t give a damn. It’s quite funny and amazing that a movie can really touch the way a person feels.

What I’m saying is, I don’t know how to end this blog. It’s just that I thought I wanted to blog about death and its unique experience it gives us. I just want to say how great John Green is for making this novel. He is like the author Peter Van Houten on the novel, only he’s not a douchebag. Maybe he wants to give us a feeling of Hazel and Gus’s hanging feeling and question on the book mentioned in the novel, An Imperial Affliction? He gave quite an ending but what happens to Hazel? Does she make it or not? What’s the life after that?

I promised myself that I would never ever read John Green’s creations again, but he is really a brilliant author so I break that promise. Next on my list is Paper Towns and Abundance of Katherines.

Book Review: Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell

This is my first book review and expect that this would be long because I would be pouring out all my feelings.

It all started in Fully Booked since me and my friend Shobe, saw this book. And when we visited the place once again, after my birthday, I've seen it again: Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell. I was stuck on what to buy: Statistical Probability of Love At First Sight, This Is What Happy Looks Like both by Jennifer Smith or The Beginning of Everything by Robyn Schneider (no, not Rob Schneider!). After what seems like a lifetime of two hours of thinking and researching (Thank God there's goodreaders.com) I finally ended up with this book I wasn't sure about. I trusted my instincts because it has the "New York Times Bestseller" on the cover, and I promised myself never to buy anything that doesn't have those letter printed on the cover. And make sure that it's not "Author of the New Times Bestseller blah blah", I mean I want the legitimately accepted bestseller. I got a little phobia for reading The Soul Seekers, I just finished the first book and I have no intentions of pushing through the whole series.

Anyway, I really don't have high expectation for this book, which is good considering my standards. I want something that would make me feel like I don't want to go to work and is eager to turn to the next page and know what would happen next; something that would make me feel one with the story. Well, I got it with this book.

I can relate much to Eleanor because I am a woman of 20's that have a lot of insecurities. And we weren't even sure if whatever flowery words guys tell us is true. There would always be a negative thought behind the pleasing words. Having not found my Park Sheridan yet, well, Im sure he's out there somewhere, (I guess I just want to say that) which leads us to... The "anyway" word...

Anyway, I really adore Park's feelings to Eleanor and maybe it's true, that if you fall in love for someone, you only see the good things in them, but when you see the bad ones, it makes you love them even more and their imperfections; looking through the eyes of love. This book was all about  how to learn to love someone without looking what's on the cover. And what I love about it is that it covers the thoughts of both characters. So you wont have to ask "is she crazy?" Or "is he just playing her?" Their feelings are very well explained on the novel. 

It took me 4 days long to finish the book because I have to go to work and I can tell you how much I missed when I leave it lying on my desk. So many times I attempted to bring it to work but afraid that I'll make it dirty so I only read it when I got home. I only want to go home asap to read it. 

When I finished it, my face was blank and I was shouting 

 

"what's this book?!" 

 

"That's it?!"

 

"That's about it?!"

 

I even flipped the pages back and forth to see if there's anything I've missed and read the acknowledgements maybe there's something in there.  But none. That's about it. The book was finished. It leaves you hanging but not much like David Levithan's Everyday. I'm satisfied. I feel like I was still looking for something but all in all, the story was highly satisfactory and beautiful.

I highly recommend this book and gives it 5 stars.

Weird Dreams : April 1, 2014 [9:38 PM]

With sleep still on my eyes, I forced myself to write at this very hour when I was shaken by a bad dream. 

I was at our house and it was a mix of jungle and a living room. Ground was not tiled but all dirt. It looks like I was sitting on a bench outside a forest. There was a wooden small gate. I came out looking for “Mama Bear” who gives love advice when I heard our maid’s voice. I was on a dark alley, a very dark alley. It’s like dawn and no one is there.

I went back inside the house.

An orange creature with a breed somewhere between an orangutan and monkey is on my mom’s right shoulder. Our maid was asking what it was. Her words were slurred and I can’t figure out what she was saying next. It’s like the name of the creature was Magnolia. I was headed outside, while saying Magnolia? What kind of creatures is that?

I turned my back heading somewhere west and it leaped on my shoulder and touched my head and I woke up with a gasp and was struggling to remove something. I panicked and was trying to shake the fear. I wiggled in my bed like a worm while doing the funny panicked gasping sound.

Then slowly, my heart starts to pound really hard on my rib cage.

I drifted back to sleep and my dream was all dark. It has people I don’t remember but sure I was escaping my mother. I don’t remember much of it but whenever I read a good book, it happens on every end of the month. It’s as if my soul becomes one with the book I was currently reading and happens in my dreams.

 Honestly, looking back, this is a really funny dream.

Weird Dreams : April 13, 2014

This is so weird.

I went living in with a partner I can't even recall the face, who has a dead stalker in a form of a white fog. Live in? Being a patron of marriage, this is a huge turn of event. We were driving in woods and suddenly everything seems to be blowing from behind. It's becoming colder and colder and very hard to drive because the woods is thick with fog and we can't see a damn thing.

And then there was my brother. Dreams can be mistaken into a reality. I was crying and telling my broher that whatever happens, I will still be his sister. I heard my uncle telling my mom to tell my lilttle brother that he was adopted. But my.mom refuse to tell him.

I was almost lost in a dark road I can't even recall I've been before. My partner texted me to come back home because it's too late.

And when I opened my eyes, relief flooded over me that my brother isn't really adopted. I was there when he was born.

Dreams are crazy. Twisting your mind into reality. I'm glad I woke up early not to finish this weird dream. But I guess that was about it, you never get to see a dream's happy ending.

Weird Dreams : April 9, 2014

All I want to happen is to be stopped being chased in my dream. My soul is getting tired of being chased all the time! I curse my self for reading fictional stories but I can't help it. I wouldn't stop reading them because I love them. And this is what I get from loving them!

Fine. I'll take it. My guy friends who I grew accustomed with turns out to be Nephilims in my dream. And they were chasing me. And when we say Nephilim, it is based on the concept of Becca Fitzpatrick's Hush Hush series (because it's what I was reading that time). I'm glad Nephilims aren't real and I know the dream doesn't make sense but if they're real, I'd be dead by now because they can invade your dream. And luckily, since it was a dream, I can ran fast. I ran as fast as I can, jumping and hitting metals, gravel stones and fences. This was the very first dream that I was able to outrun everything. I feel tired and restless but I know its a good sign. But I was always being chased.

That's all I remember. Keep running to survive and never get killed.

SNAP!

I just got home at around twelve forty midnight and my mind wants to write. To write about what? I don’t know either. But since I was so fucked up at my work, my body is dragging me to bed. After devouring a small bowl of Fitnesse cereal I stole from my sister (okay, I admit it, it’s a small bowl but full of it until it was about to spill), a glass of low fat milk and a hotdog sandwich, it gave me the energy to write about a topic I still don’t know. In case you are wondering what kind of stomach I have, hey, you can’t blame me! I didn’t eat my meal at work. The food in our canteen is always very insipid and unappealing.

Sometimes, you just eat it to make sure you have refilled your empty stomach. Just for the record, we are not allowed to bring food inside the building, especially the hotdog-burger-fries kind of thing. We can only bring cookies in a no biodegradable plastics you buy commercially, not the freshly baked ones. They wouldn’t allow it even if it doesn’t make sense. They are the same cookies! And, junkies, which I am not very fond of. I want real food! I want to bring my mom’s friend chicken at work, but I can’t!

Anyway, am I going to write about food again, which will make me hungrier when I finished this? No. I just want to stress out that I am not able to post my blog real time, so this could be read far from today when I was writing it. So, it feels like, if you read my blog, you are listening to someone else from the past. It’s funny how day goes by and another comes in, and you realized yesterday was like this and that, and now it’s different. Sometimes, I end the day just observing almost everything. I can compare myself to one of the main characters in Mitch Albom’s The Time Keeper, Dor, who invented time. Ooh, by the way, The Fault in Our Stars is finally on the big screen! I can’t wait!

Another anyway, I realized I want to talk about what happened yesterday, dated 19th of February, at around fifteen before midnight. Me and my colleagues were on our way home, and when the jeepney came, my Reef flip flops suddenly snapped. Gosh, that was so embarrassing! Second to my most embarrassing one, happened in college, and only I should know what it is. I wanted to go to 711 to buy the cheapest fair I can manage but the jeepney only comes once in a while and I badly wanted to go home early so I decided to make a grab for it and swallow the embarrassment instead. I want the ground to just swallow me up, but I think I handled the situation really well, because I believe I am a smart woman of the latest century. I magically repaired it temporarily using a pin. I laughed at myself so hard, instead of being awkward; I made fun of the situation. Well, I guess that’s any one’s initial reaction when you are as transparent as me. I swore never to wear flip flops again. Screw Havaianas, Reef, Billabong, Ipanema etc! I want real shoes! I swore never to give up my three year relationship with my Chucks.

And now, I want to go to sleep. Whoever you are that will be reading this blog, thank you and please send me shoes and sandals. Nah, just kidding.

Rant of A...

What is wrong with me?
Why do I feel like a person who’s incapable of loving the opposite sex?

I never dated anyone.

I never held hands with anybody but my friends.

I never had a “movie-ish” passionate kind of kiss.
And… I’ve never been in a relationship. I never had a boyfriend, be it a fling or a serious one.

I have girl friends but not a girlfriend. I do really think that the space on these compound words does make a distinction between them even though MS Word is correcting it. I chose to ignore it.

I can’t say I’m a lesbian because to be honest, I get attracted easily to guys, especially the ones who are in the range of my type. I have crushes, well, loads of them! I have a huge crush on Nicholas Hoult and the hot guy from Call Me Maybe music video named Holden Nowell. Well, I’ve dreamed of meeting my prince charming one day. And I have standards with regards to my soul mate. I believe in love and I believe in fairy tales. I’ve dreamed of having a Christian Grey kind of guy (excluding his weird dominance and dirty sex fantasies).

I have tried texting some guys. It never worked out. Maybe I talk too much? I am really not used to it so it usually ends up in Milky Way. Honestly, when messages get weird, it gets on my nerves. Not that I am angry when I was told those sweet words, it’s just that I feel irritated and that I’m just f*ing not used to it. (Sorry for the word!) It feels like my everyday routines have been altered and I don’t like having to think what to say next. It just gets in my way; work, friends, whatever it is I’m doing. I get agitated. Good thing a lot of my friends were never the “matchmaker” types. I’ve read it a lot on books that some friends will try to set you up. Well, I think my friends wouldn’t be so mean to do that for me… Or, they are so mean they won’t do it to me! I think it’s the former. I love my friends! Good thing I don’t have to force myself to go out with someone I don’t know. I would die of awkwardness, I swear.
For Thor’s sake (not taking the name of the Lord in vain!), I’m 24 and turning 25 soon… Very soon! But… I never get to experience anything! I’m such a loser. How will I be ready for the future if nothing’s going to happen now?
I love my life. I think, the problem with me before, is I felt very much secured that I didn’t need anything. I have everything when I was young, but then when you grow older, you realize there’s so much more to life than new clothing, money in your wallet and a car. I started being lonely when my father died. All the emptiness came flowing into me like some kind of a wave drowning me into the sea to meet Spongebob and his friends. Very deep part of the sea, right? And, to add up to the security, I can’t flirt. Geesh. Let me say that one more time, I CAN’T F*ING FLIRT! I just can’t do it! It is so not me! I think I’ve reached Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs: Self Actualization very soon.

One friend asked me last year “Still no boyfriend? Aren’t you worried?”, I was like “WHY WOULD I BE WORRIED? WHAT THE HELL?!”

I really don’t care. Sometimes, I don’t even care what I look like. I don’t like dressing up or anything. I just wear my jeans, an old rugged sneakers and a simple shirt. That’s it. I never dressed for everyone’s eyes and ears to talk about. I put makeup because of work, and if I’m not at work, I still put minimal makeup because I’m not used to going out without it.

Let me tell some of my attitude also; loud, vocal, hyper, energetic, jolly, bubbly, there are a lot of words to describe me. Actually, I came in very transparent. You will usually see me laughing around the corridors like a gone-mad witch. In fact, I am also very talented! Not that I’m bragging myself about it, okay, fine, I was kind of bragging because I’m too surprised too of what I can do.

And let me tell you this, no one is asking me out. Yeah. Finally, I blurted it out. No one finds me interesting but my friends.
Friends are mean, they so love you. They are your major supporters.

And, that’s it. Just killing time while waiting for my tablet to charge on the computer.
If ever you are NICHOLAS HOULT, and you’re reading this message, I’m asking if you could spare a time for a fan and meet me. Let’s have a date and I will make sure you’ll never have a dull moment. By the way, in case you’re wondering where I am from, I can fetch you with my ship. We will have a date here in the Moon. Romantic, right?

Weird Dreams : December 3, 2014

Angels pass their powers to mortals?

I don’t know but that’s what I’ve dreamed of today.

What are these dreams? Are they some kind of a fear simulation as the one on the book Divergent?
There are angels, but I don’t fear them, it is water. I’ve dreamed of riding a boat.

I keep dreaming about water and I want it to stop.

A friend was forcing me to ride the boat. The boat was filled with water up to the ankles of my feet. I was so scared, thinking that the boat will sink. Eventually, I stepped on it.

I was in a huge ballroom with huge glass windows from ceiling to floor. It is, as usual twilight. The wood floor creaks as I walk. There were a lot of angels from outside the glass; angels with different and colorful wings. I was choosing. I don’t know what I am choosing from. Then one angel came closer towards the glass window, looking to me as if she wants something from me. She reached her one palm up to the window and smiled.

She passed her powers to me. She said “It’s as simple as that, I just have to choose where to pass my angelic powers to.” I spread my arms and felt like there’s something between my arms and my back. When I spread them, wings with different colors are what I see.

Happiness and amazement came pouring down on me as I stare on my wings. I put my arms down and spread it again, and another set of colorful wings spread out.
So I was like a peacock, huh?
He was trying to make me ride the boat once again. You know when you have the power but you can’t seem to make it work?

I don't remember how it went. The story ends here.

Weird Dreams : November 30, 2013

Today marks the day one of our country’s heroes died. November 30th is the death of Andres Bonifacio.

This is probably worse than any dream I had because I get to see someone get killed.

It's like a movie. I have a total of seven dreams tonight and I keep on jumping on different dreams.
First, I was in a yellow mini cab on a way somewhere I don’t know with some colleagues. Someone was guiding me on my sleep while we travel. Who the hell was that? I can’t remember exactly who is it but when I woke up, Ed Sheeran was the one on my mind. All I see was his tattooed hand on my shoulders as I pretend to fall asleep. I exaggeratedly banged my head accidentally into his hand and bit his thumb. That part was kind of funny.

We get down the cab and all I see was a street or a village full of huge houses. One of our friends left us and went inside her three-story house while the others continue the journey. I think everyone was on their way home.
-
The scene shifted to a hospital. I keep on descending and ascending stairs, uneven built stairs. They look weird because they seem impassable and hard to figure out how to take them, but they are stairs. Stairs built to be used. You just have to figure out how to use it. I was looking for something I don’t know. I took the lift with two guys I don’t know, probably patients, one guy is bald and fat and the other has a long hair. The bald guy wants me to hang out with his friend. I just smiled for courtesy. He sounded like a threat. They went out of the lift when it reaches the second floor. The bald guy looked at me like he was planning something bad and wants me to acknowledge his seriousness, maybe he was scaring me but I don’t give a damn. I don’t know the hospital but there is something inside me that says I was in the wrong floor. I know that it shouldn’t look like what I was seeing even though I haven’t been in that hospital. There were doctors and so many patients. I cover my nose as soon as I get inside the Out-Patient Floor. I keep on walking; looking for something I don’t know.
-
The place looks like cemetery. It was the beginning of twilight, when the sun had already set but still there’s bright light coming from its rays that’s covered by think perfectly shaped clouds. The time, if I were to put it, was around five in the afternoon. It was also very windy and chilling; the kind of chill you get on scary movies. The setting reminds me of the movie Beautiful Creatures. We need to figure out how to go somewhere, I wasn’t certain about. There were simple tricks that need no telling but of course, weird in a dream. I was with some colleagues but I only remember Slim Jim in particular. We were in a hurry of being caught by something. With what, I don’t know.

We saw a giant caterpillar, about the size of a shoe; Carlo killed it and made it a hamburger. Whatever, this dream sounds crazy.

In a mausoleum, in the same cemetery, I was on my own. A vampire appeared from nowhere. He was so fast that I was shocked to see him already at my back. My heart jumped. He was threatening me. I don’t remember what he said but it was like he wouldn’t stop following me unless he kills me or I go out with his vampire friend. I was just staring and only my death was what’s on my mind. He whispered before he left, "well, got one more day left". He ran fast leaving a ghost-like smoke behind.
I was in a bus, seeing one of my managers became vampire, Jason aka Silver. I think the name Silver would suit him better on this kind of dream. Silver got so much anger in his eyes. He was so mad at the vampire guy who threatened to kill me. So this vampire guy was like an ally of his, and they met inside this huge coaster bus.

I think he was angry because, either he wants to go kill me first or because the other vampire didn’t succeed on his request. Silver was one of the strongest. Unfortunately, there isn’t a day left for vampire one, as what he told me before he leaves. They fought a little and Silver got hold of vamp one’s chest and pulled out his heart.

I run as fast as I can because I know he would kill me next. Why would they want to kill me? Why would everyone want to kill me in my dreams? It’s very tiring to just keep on running in your dream.

I found an empty car. I planned to hide there but it looks like it was deserted in a hurry. The glasses were shattered. After inspecting the car, I looked up and saw people running and more abandoned cars with shattered glasses. Zombies are attacking this place. I saw one dark-skinned zombie; his skin was so dark it’s almost black. He was fat focusing on his bug tummy, like he ate a lot of brains. My feet jerk a little preparing to run as fast as I could but he doesn’t seem to recognize me. We were so close with each other; I was scared that I could smell his stink.
I was now confused of what to do, so this is what we were in a hurry for; zombies and other monsters attacking the city.

I don’t remember hearing anything aside from my heart which was beating fast. My rib cage wants to collapse and just allow my heart to run gasping for air. I can’t breathe. I stayed on the position I woke up to. I’m feeling a sense of reality but I want to continue my sleep and see what happens next but I badly needed to reposition myself to get some air.

I woke up. I help myself to some oxygen. At last, my heart returned to its normal pace after a few minutes of waking up.

Weird Dreams : November 27, 2013

I laid on my bed at around three twenty in the morning and I just lay there thinking about my life if I happen to be a Tribute from Hunger Games. I lay still. Two trips to the comfort room then I heard the creaking sound of opening gates of the bakery in front of our house, which signifies the start of dawn, five o’clock in the morning. Then I don’t remember how I drifted off to sleep.

I was in the farthest corner of sea with a cave. It was dark, so everything in my eyes is black. The rocks are black, the water is black. The water is up to my chest level. There were rocks I can go up to when I want to have a break from the waters.

I heard the announcement that the mayor postpones the tourist’s trip to the sea wherein they would be able to see the marine life. I was unbelievably comfortable walking in the sea when a white SUV passed by. There was a female driver with long black hair wearing a pink tank top. I was shocked to see an SUV on a sea even going to the deepest part of it; shouting its announcement.

The car was beside me almost hitting me when it dared to go down a deeper slope, the water almost consumed the car. But it continued to run.

I was beside the rocks.

It’s getting heavier and stuffier on this corner. It’s getting really hard to breathe. Then I saw her. Her name is Jacq; she was smiling and, hang on, she’s wearing a diving suit. I didn’t know she’s a swimmer! She was smiling at me.
Something appeared beside me; a huge black metal cube, with a mini door in the middle of it. It looks like it’s used to seal something inside, like a safe cabinet. Its size is bigger than human. It’s floating beside me. There were three giant metal black cubes chained together.

It’s hard to breathe. I went up the rocks. The water splashes to me feet and my tablet is extremely wet. I was afraid that it would get wet so I decided to head back to shore. It was actually already we but still working.

I began to climb down and Jacq was going towards my direction ready to fix the big metal. She was just smiling. Weird. No words. In fact, we’re very close in person that we can’t just stop talking when we see each other. She was one of the nicest supervisors I ever had. Her smile is very warm. It kind of relaxes me to see her there, of all other people.

I walk towards the shore. I think the water is rising. It’s getting really stuffy. I can hear the echoes of my breathing in the cave. My tab is sliding off its case. I stopped in the middle of the sea; the water on my lower chest level, just under my breasts, and fixed Tabby on its case.

I started to move to the shore again and the water is on my waist level. Without even knowing it, I exited the deadly waters and came to the shore. I was so wet and so is Tabby. It was already dark outside, around seven at night. Then I decide to contact one of the managers because he’s an expert on devices.

And finally, our bloody dog barked. And barked, and I couldn’t take it anymore.

I shouted for my mom to make the barking stop because I want to sleep some more.
I want to go back to sleep but I’m so afraid. So afraid of water.
Then I decided to wake up, it’s seven in the morning.

Actually the day before this, I’ve been dreaming of snakes for two consecutive nights. So it shows that these are the fears I dreaded the most, snakes and water. There’s one more, and I have yet to figure that out if it shows on my dream. The other night, there was a swimming pool, and there were a lot of snakes. Huge ones. Then the night before this one, I dreamt of yellow and white snakes. A colleague named Christian was the one taking care of it. He said he has three kinds: one very thin, one really huge, and a medium sized one. I really saw it peak on his room. He was scaring me with the snake on his shoulders. He was making me touch it but I was just closing my eyes, shouting and begging for help and to make it stop. But he won’t bloody stop. I make sure I will give Christian a sweet revenge, even if he doesn’t know about it.

Back to Table Games Department

So I got my wish granted dated December 6th of 2013. Our Scheduler called on my day off work to report back to Table Games tomorrow in my casino dealer uniform. On my very first day back to Table Games, on our briefing at the Dealer’s Lounge, I’m not being a bigheaded human being but most eyes were on me, probably shocked and itching for answer why am I back. Of course, I was bombarded with questions. Now, it is my third week and still, people wouldn’t stop bombarding me with the same questions over and over again. I am so fed up! And take not; I didn’t use “was” because it’s still happening right now. And I know, I will have some more curious frowning eyes on me and itchy tongues to ask me what the hell happened. Well, to answer that, I requested for it to happen. It’s not that it’s hard or something or I can’t do it. I am not that weak. I don’t just fucking give up. I just can’t risk my beautiful legs on walking excessively and produce angry varicose veins on it. I swear, it was just one tiny bit, and when I checked it, it became three. And, I don’t want to keep walking forever doing nothing, and just swallowing what Managers say about me being so talkative and noisy.

Back to my first day, I was assigned at the high limit table tax table. Do I have a problem with that? Yes. As you know, I’m not very good at counting. And it is my first day, for God’s sake! What kind of a tyrant does this Scheduler plans?

When I sit on the chair, it feels weird. Like I was doing something I don’t know but felt like my subconscious knows about it. If a person has amnesia, this would probably what they feel. I dealt the game very slowly at first, and when I got the hang of it, everything went smoothly.

I almost forgot the feeling of it. It feels like I am floating. The fabric of the table feels good and familiar to my skin. And I forgot how the chips feel to my fingers when I spread it. It slides off smoothly. Every deal sends me to euphoria. It is not always that we get to have our wish granted for just a few days. The scanner that I use didn’t even bother getting into my nerves. I can still remember the feel of it; of adjusting to the faulty equipment we have at work.

A lot of people think and say at my back that I’m stupid or crazy for going back to the Table Games. The truth is, they don’t understand each piece of worry in my heart. They are not in my place to know what I was going through. I know being a Host is a very easy job. I can have as much break times as I want to, I am allowed to bring my mobile phone, and my job description is mainly, to talk to players. I am not confident enough with my skills. I was offered this job and was told that I would never be pressured to do speak in this foreign language I possess, but that didn’t happen. One of my managers always tests my skills. Whenever there’s a Korean player (in particular, this is the language I can speak), he would tell me to talk to them in their language. I assured them that I am not very good at it but still… I was being tested the whole time I was in that department. If only I have talked to someone who’s in the business for a good long while, then I wouldn’t have decided to transfer.

Anyway, I’m glad to be back. I just hope people would stop snooping in my life and live their own lives instead. What good would it get them if they get answers from me? In short, my colleagues are naturally born gossip-worshippers.

Allegiant (Divergent Trilogy - Book 3)

I was just starting to read the final book of Divergent trilogy by Veronica Roth, entitled Allegiant. The characters faced a conflict with their society. They’ve discovered a video revealing their lives, or what’s beyond it. It has something to do with what they are, and something that made a drastic change in their lives. I don’t mean to spoil anything so let me just give a brief background of what would happen. Ever wondered with Beatrice on what was on the other side of the fence? We readers keep reading about the fence, and I, myself is very much curious about it as well. They are being guarded from what’s outside the fence and remember the Amity compound? There was a gate with lock from the outside, it’s meant to keep them inside the city.
Why are there guards that patrol the fence?
Why they can’t go beyond that fence?
Why are they locked from the outside?
These are the questions that come to mind of the protagonists Beatrice and Tobias, along with some significant supporting characters.
In the book, the fence was literally a fence, not some metaphor.
I think the author is using the fence as a metaphor of what she’s thinking about life or what transcends it. What if what we truly believe in is not true? What if someone is keeping the truth from us? I don’t know. These are the questions that come to my mind when I read the first few chapters.
In our lives, we don’t get to see a literal fence but we know our limits or what’s outside that boundary from where we are right now? What if it’s different from what we were accustomed to? What if, if we go beyond that, what will happen? What will we discover? What’s in store for us?
I don’t know if you can understand what I am saying. I’m not sure if you think you’re just wasting your time reading the thoughts of some random blogger. I’m just stating my thoughts here. I don’t know, maybe I was just so engross with the book that I took every word from it seriously, like my neurons just got twisted and made me think of it this way.
I, myself can’t honestly decipher or put to words the thoughts that I really want to express on this. I was just thinking of the thought and learning I have as of now. We have been accustomed to live like this: born, learn, love, death. It’s always a cycle of these things. That’s the way of life, but what if something changes it? I just realized that our way of life is simplified compared to whatever is beyond it.

Perturbation

I am encumbered by waking up every morning feeling worried of nothing. Or is it something I can't admit to myself? Or worse, don’t want to admit to myself?

I can’t seem to decipher what I feel. I suddenly felt worried and stressed everyday since I transferred a job position.

I don’t know why I feel this way. I am excited when I transferred because to be honest, it's really something I look upto and waited for a long time. I think I’m holding back something I don’t know. One of my managers keeps on asking me why the sudden change of mind. I can’t answer him. I can’t give a fucking answer to that since I don’t know as well. There’s a feeling deep in my mind that I can’t explain; I don’t have words for. It’s been going for about 3 weeks now and I think I just found the answer.

I don’t know if the answer has been with me all of these times, or I just can’t confront my soul about it. But whatever it is, I just figured it out this morning of November 22. I feel like I was such a failure. I’ve never felt so "unconfident" with my skill till now.

I have an extra language, which became an edge for me to have a different pay among the rest, and to be transferred to an easier job. They expect me to get more players using a different language I am not comfortable with, not anymore. I was. I explained them that my Korean is not that good and they agreed to it. Now I feel pressured, like I have to talk more to many of these people in my work.
Back when I was a dealer, I wasn’t forced to do that. It was more of an "if-you-just-can" situation than "you-must". I am pressured by my own skills. I am battling with myself.

It has become a sort of an an elightenment for me. I feel like I just overcome my problem. I feel like a character on a book that doesn’t know the problem then suddenly, she figures it out by herself which sounds like really smart. I adore characters like this. And that leads me to talking about the book by Veronica Roth, Divergent. The main character, Tris, knows her problem and confronts herself directly about it. I admire characters like this. I really love this book because it’s all about girl power and being confident in what you can do. But as for me, I know I can’t do it. I may not be able to do it again. I feel weaken. I may need proper and more training to make it perfect. That’s the difference between me and Tris, she has proper training and all the resources she may need, while me, I don’t have the time and energy to purse my third language and train some more.

Let me give you a hint of the book Divergent, Tris chose a different path from what she grew up with. Everything is new and awkward to her. She tried to prove to herself and the others that she is one of them, well, she had. She has weaknesses and sometimes, breaks down and loses hope. She misses her family a lot because once you made the choice; you will never see your previous family again. She proved herself to be better among the rest, but then there came a war. So the first book will not make you stop reading till you finish up to the third one. I love the story of Divergent. It's a world I am scared of but is willing to try.

Rant of an NBSB (No-Boyfriend-Since-Birth)

What is wrong with me?
Why do I feel like a person who’s incapable of loving the opposite sex?
I never dated anyone.
I never held hands with anybody but my friends.
I never had a “movie-ish” passionate kind of kiss.
And… I’ve never been in a relationship. I never had a boyfriend, be it a fling or a serious one.
I have girl friends but not a girlfriend. I do really think that the space on these compound words does make a distinction between them even though MS Word is correcting it. I chose to ignore it.
I can’t say I’m a lesbian because to be honest, I get attracted easily to guys, especially the ones who are in the range of my type. I have crushes, well, loads of them! I have a huge crush on Nicholas Hoult and the hot guy from Call Me Maybe music video named Holden Nowell. Well, I’ve dreamed of meeting my prince charming one day. And I have standards with regards to my soul mate. I believe in love and I believe in fairy tales. I’ve dreamed of having a Christian Grey kind of guy (excluding his weird dominance and dirty sex fantasies).
I have tried texting some guys. It never worked out. Maybe I talk too much? I am really not used to it so it usually ends up in Milky Way. Honestly, when messages get weird, it gets on my nerves. Not that I am angry when I was told those sweet words, it’s just that I feel irritated and that I’m just f*ing not used to it. (Sorry for the word!) It feels like my everyday routines have been altered and I don’t like having to think what to say next. It just gets in my way; work, friends, whatever it is I’m doing. I get agitated. Good thing a lot of my friends were never the “matchmaker” types. I’ve read it a lot on books that some friends will try to set you up. Well, I think my friends wouldn’t be so mean to do that for me… Or, they are so mean they won’t do it to me! I think it’s the former. I love my friends! Good thing I don’t have to force myself to go out with someone I don’t know. I would die of awkwardness, I swear.
For Thor’s sake (not taking the name of the Lord in vain!), I’m 24 and turning 25 soon… Very soon! But… I never get to experience anything! I’m such a loser. How will I be ready for the future if nothing’s going to happen now?
I love my life. I think, the problem with me before, is I felt very much secured that I didn’t need anything. I have everything when I was young, but then when you grow older, you realize there’s so much more to life than new clothing, money in your wallet and a car. I started being lonely when my father died. All the emptiness came flowing into me like some kind of a wave drowning me into the sea to meet Spongebob and his friends. Very deep part of the sea, right? And, to add up to the security, I can’t flirt. Geesh. Let me say that one more time, I CAN’T F*ING FLIRT! I just can’t do it! It is so not me! I think I’ve reached Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs: Self Actualization very soon.
One friend asked me last year “Still no boyfriend? Aren’t you worried?”, I was like “WHY WOULD I BE WORRIED? WHAT THE HELL?!”
I really don’t care. Sometimes, I don’t even care what I look like. I don’t like dressing up or anything. I just wear my jeans, an old rugged sneakers and a simple shirt. That’s it. I never dressed for everyone’s eyes and ears to talk about. I put makeup because of work, and if I’m not at work, I still put minimal makeup because I’m not used to going out without it.
Let me tell some of my attitude also; loud, vocal, hyper, energetic, jolly, bubbly, there are a lot of words to describe me. In fact, I am very transparent that no one needs to open his/her dictionary to describe me. You will usually see me laughing around the corridors like a gone-mad witch. In fact, I am also very talented! Not that I’m bragging myself about it, okay, fine, I was kind of bragging because I’m too surprised too of what I can do.
And let me tell you this, no one is asking me out. Yeah. Finally, I blurted it out. No one finds me interesting but my friends.
Friends are mean, they so love you. They are your major supporters.
And, that’s it. Just killing time while waiting for my tablet to charge on the computer.
If ever you are NICHOLAS HOULT, and you’re reading this message, I’m asking if you could spare a time for a fan and meet me. Let’s have a date and I will make sure you’ll never have a dull moment. By the way, in case you’re wondering where I am from, I can fetch you with my ship. We will have a date here in the Moon. Romantic, right?