Perturbation

I am encumbered by waking up every morning feeling worried of nothing. Or is it something I can't admit to myself? Or worse, don’t want to admit to myself?

I can’t seem to decipher what I feel. I suddenly felt worried and stressed everyday since I transferred a job position.

I don’t know why I feel this way. I am excited when I transferred because to be honest, it's really something I look upto and waited for a long time. I think I’m holding back something I don’t know. One of my managers keeps on asking me why the sudden change of mind. I can’t answer him. I can’t give a fucking answer to that since I don’t know as well. There’s a feeling deep in my mind that I can’t explain; I don’t have words for. It’s been going for about 3 weeks now and I think I just found the answer.

I don’t know if the answer has been with me all of these times, or I just can’t confront my soul about it. But whatever it is, I just figured it out this morning of November 22. I feel like I was such a failure. I’ve never felt so "unconfident" with my skill till now.

I have an extra language, which became an edge for me to have a different pay among the rest, and to be transferred to an easier job. They expect me to get more players using a different language I am not comfortable with, not anymore. I was. I explained them that my Korean is not that good and they agreed to it. Now I feel pressured, like I have to talk more to many of these people in my work.
Back when I was a dealer, I wasn’t forced to do that. It was more of an "if-you-just-can" situation than "you-must". I am pressured by my own skills. I am battling with myself.

It has become a sort of an an elightenment for me. I feel like I just overcome my problem. I feel like a character on a book that doesn’t know the problem then suddenly, she figures it out by herself which sounds like really smart. I adore characters like this. And that leads me to talking about the book by Veronica Roth, Divergent. The main character, Tris, knows her problem and confronts herself directly about it. I admire characters like this. I really love this book because it’s all about girl power and being confident in what you can do. But as for me, I know I can’t do it. I may not be able to do it again. I feel weaken. I may need proper and more training to make it perfect. That’s the difference between me and Tris, she has proper training and all the resources she may need, while me, I don’t have the time and energy to purse my third language and train some more.

Let me give you a hint of the book Divergent, Tris chose a different path from what she grew up with. Everything is new and awkward to her. She tried to prove to herself and the others that she is one of them, well, she had. She has weaknesses and sometimes, breaks down and loses hope. She misses her family a lot because once you made the choice; you will never see your previous family again. She proved herself to be better among the rest, but then there came a war. So the first book will not make you stop reading till you finish up to the third one. I love the story of Divergent. It's a world I am scared of but is willing to try.