Weird Dreams : November 30, 2013

Today marks the day one of our country’s heroes died. November 30th is the death of Andres Bonifacio.

This is probably worse than any dream I had because I get to see someone get killed.

It's like a movie. I have a total of seven dreams tonight and I keep on jumping on different dreams.
First, I was in a yellow mini cab on a way somewhere I don’t know with some colleagues. Someone was guiding me on my sleep while we travel. Who the hell was that? I can’t remember exactly who is it but when I woke up, Ed Sheeran was the one on my mind. All I see was his tattooed hand on my shoulders as I pretend to fall asleep. I exaggeratedly banged my head accidentally into his hand and bit his thumb. That part was kind of funny.

We get down the cab and all I see was a street or a village full of huge houses. One of our friends left us and went inside her three-story house while the others continue the journey. I think everyone was on their way home.
-
The scene shifted to a hospital. I keep on descending and ascending stairs, uneven built stairs. They look weird because they seem impassable and hard to figure out how to take them, but they are stairs. Stairs built to be used. You just have to figure out how to use it. I was looking for something I don’t know. I took the lift with two guys I don’t know, probably patients, one guy is bald and fat and the other has a long hair. The bald guy wants me to hang out with his friend. I just smiled for courtesy. He sounded like a threat. They went out of the lift when it reaches the second floor. The bald guy looked at me like he was planning something bad and wants me to acknowledge his seriousness, maybe he was scaring me but I don’t give a damn. I don’t know the hospital but there is something inside me that says I was in the wrong floor. I know that it shouldn’t look like what I was seeing even though I haven’t been in that hospital. There were doctors and so many patients. I cover my nose as soon as I get inside the Out-Patient Floor. I keep on walking; looking for something I don’t know.
-
The place looks like cemetery. It was the beginning of twilight, when the sun had already set but still there’s bright light coming from its rays that’s covered by think perfectly shaped clouds. The time, if I were to put it, was around five in the afternoon. It was also very windy and chilling; the kind of chill you get on scary movies. The setting reminds me of the movie Beautiful Creatures. We need to figure out how to go somewhere, I wasn’t certain about. There were simple tricks that need no telling but of course, weird in a dream. I was with some colleagues but I only remember Slim Jim in particular. We were in a hurry of being caught by something. With what, I don’t know.

We saw a giant caterpillar, about the size of a shoe; Carlo killed it and made it a hamburger. Whatever, this dream sounds crazy.

In a mausoleum, in the same cemetery, I was on my own. A vampire appeared from nowhere. He was so fast that I was shocked to see him already at my back. My heart jumped. He was threatening me. I don’t remember what he said but it was like he wouldn’t stop following me unless he kills me or I go out with his vampire friend. I was just staring and only my death was what’s on my mind. He whispered before he left, "well, got one more day left". He ran fast leaving a ghost-like smoke behind.
I was in a bus, seeing one of my managers became vampire, Jason aka Silver. I think the name Silver would suit him better on this kind of dream. Silver got so much anger in his eyes. He was so mad at the vampire guy who threatened to kill me. So this vampire guy was like an ally of his, and they met inside this huge coaster bus.

I think he was angry because, either he wants to go kill me first or because the other vampire didn’t succeed on his request. Silver was one of the strongest. Unfortunately, there isn’t a day left for vampire one, as what he told me before he leaves. They fought a little and Silver got hold of vamp one’s chest and pulled out his heart.

I run as fast as I can because I know he would kill me next. Why would they want to kill me? Why would everyone want to kill me in my dreams? It’s very tiring to just keep on running in your dream.

I found an empty car. I planned to hide there but it looks like it was deserted in a hurry. The glasses were shattered. After inspecting the car, I looked up and saw people running and more abandoned cars with shattered glasses. Zombies are attacking this place. I saw one dark-skinned zombie; his skin was so dark it’s almost black. He was fat focusing on his bug tummy, like he ate a lot of brains. My feet jerk a little preparing to run as fast as I could but he doesn’t seem to recognize me. We were so close with each other; I was scared that I could smell his stink.
I was now confused of what to do, so this is what we were in a hurry for; zombies and other monsters attacking the city.

I don’t remember hearing anything aside from my heart which was beating fast. My rib cage wants to collapse and just allow my heart to run gasping for air. I can’t breathe. I stayed on the position I woke up to. I’m feeling a sense of reality but I want to continue my sleep and see what happens next but I badly needed to reposition myself to get some air.

I woke up. I help myself to some oxygen. At last, my heart returned to its normal pace after a few minutes of waking up.

Weird Dreams : November 27, 2013

I laid on my bed at around three twenty in the morning and I just lay there thinking about my life if I happen to be a Tribute from Hunger Games. I lay still. Two trips to the comfort room then I heard the creaking sound of opening gates of the bakery in front of our house, which signifies the start of dawn, five o’clock in the morning. Then I don’t remember how I drifted off to sleep.

I was in the farthest corner of sea with a cave. It was dark, so everything in my eyes is black. The rocks are black, the water is black. The water is up to my chest level. There were rocks I can go up to when I want to have a break from the waters.

I heard the announcement that the mayor postpones the tourist’s trip to the sea wherein they would be able to see the marine life. I was unbelievably comfortable walking in the sea when a white SUV passed by. There was a female driver with long black hair wearing a pink tank top. I was shocked to see an SUV on a sea even going to the deepest part of it; shouting its announcement.

The car was beside me almost hitting me when it dared to go down a deeper slope, the water almost consumed the car. But it continued to run.

I was beside the rocks.

It’s getting heavier and stuffier on this corner. It’s getting really hard to breathe. Then I saw her. Her name is Jacq; she was smiling and, hang on, she’s wearing a diving suit. I didn’t know she’s a swimmer! She was smiling at me.
Something appeared beside me; a huge black metal cube, with a mini door in the middle of it. It looks like it’s used to seal something inside, like a safe cabinet. Its size is bigger than human. It’s floating beside me. There were three giant metal black cubes chained together.

It’s hard to breathe. I went up the rocks. The water splashes to me feet and my tablet is extremely wet. I was afraid that it would get wet so I decided to head back to shore. It was actually already we but still working.

I began to climb down and Jacq was going towards my direction ready to fix the big metal. She was just smiling. Weird. No words. In fact, we’re very close in person that we can’t just stop talking when we see each other. She was one of the nicest supervisors I ever had. Her smile is very warm. It kind of relaxes me to see her there, of all other people.

I walk towards the shore. I think the water is rising. It’s getting really stuffy. I can hear the echoes of my breathing in the cave. My tab is sliding off its case. I stopped in the middle of the sea; the water on my lower chest level, just under my breasts, and fixed Tabby on its case.

I started to move to the shore again and the water is on my waist level. Without even knowing it, I exited the deadly waters and came to the shore. I was so wet and so is Tabby. It was already dark outside, around seven at night. Then I decide to contact one of the managers because he’s an expert on devices.

And finally, our bloody dog barked. And barked, and I couldn’t take it anymore.

I shouted for my mom to make the barking stop because I want to sleep some more.
I want to go back to sleep but I’m so afraid. So afraid of water.
Then I decided to wake up, it’s seven in the morning.

Actually the day before this, I’ve been dreaming of snakes for two consecutive nights. So it shows that these are the fears I dreaded the most, snakes and water. There’s one more, and I have yet to figure that out if it shows on my dream. The other night, there was a swimming pool, and there were a lot of snakes. Huge ones. Then the night before this one, I dreamt of yellow and white snakes. A colleague named Christian was the one taking care of it. He said he has three kinds: one very thin, one really huge, and a medium sized one. I really saw it peak on his room. He was scaring me with the snake on his shoulders. He was making me touch it but I was just closing my eyes, shouting and begging for help and to make it stop. But he won’t bloody stop. I make sure I will give Christian a sweet revenge, even if he doesn’t know about it.

Back to Table Games Department

So I got my wish granted dated December 6th of 2013. Our Scheduler called on my day off work to report back to Table Games tomorrow in my casino dealer uniform. On my very first day back to Table Games, on our briefing at the Dealer’s Lounge, I’m not being a bigheaded human being but most eyes were on me, probably shocked and itching for answer why am I back. Of course, I was bombarded with questions. Now, it is my third week and still, people wouldn’t stop bombarding me with the same questions over and over again. I am so fed up! And take not; I didn’t use “was” because it’s still happening right now. And I know, I will have some more curious frowning eyes on me and itchy tongues to ask me what the hell happened. Well, to answer that, I requested for it to happen. It’s not that it’s hard or something or I can’t do it. I am not that weak. I don’t just fucking give up. I just can’t risk my beautiful legs on walking excessively and produce angry varicose veins on it. I swear, it was just one tiny bit, and when I checked it, it became three. And, I don’t want to keep walking forever doing nothing, and just swallowing what Managers say about me being so talkative and noisy.

Back to my first day, I was assigned at the high limit table tax table. Do I have a problem with that? Yes. As you know, I’m not very good at counting. And it is my first day, for God’s sake! What kind of a tyrant does this Scheduler plans?

When I sit on the chair, it feels weird. Like I was doing something I don’t know but felt like my subconscious knows about it. If a person has amnesia, this would probably what they feel. I dealt the game very slowly at first, and when I got the hang of it, everything went smoothly.

I almost forgot the feeling of it. It feels like I am floating. The fabric of the table feels good and familiar to my skin. And I forgot how the chips feel to my fingers when I spread it. It slides off smoothly. Every deal sends me to euphoria. It is not always that we get to have our wish granted for just a few days. The scanner that I use didn’t even bother getting into my nerves. I can still remember the feel of it; of adjusting to the faulty equipment we have at work.

A lot of people think and say at my back that I’m stupid or crazy for going back to the Table Games. The truth is, they don’t understand each piece of worry in my heart. They are not in my place to know what I was going through. I know being a Host is a very easy job. I can have as much break times as I want to, I am allowed to bring my mobile phone, and my job description is mainly, to talk to players. I am not confident enough with my skills. I was offered this job and was told that I would never be pressured to do speak in this foreign language I possess, but that didn’t happen. One of my managers always tests my skills. Whenever there’s a Korean player (in particular, this is the language I can speak), he would tell me to talk to them in their language. I assured them that I am not very good at it but still… I was being tested the whole time I was in that department. If only I have talked to someone who’s in the business for a good long while, then I wouldn’t have decided to transfer.

Anyway, I’m glad to be back. I just hope people would stop snooping in my life and live their own lives instead. What good would it get them if they get answers from me? In short, my colleagues are naturally born gossip-worshippers.

Allegiant (Divergent Trilogy - Book 3)

I was just starting to read the final book of Divergent trilogy by Veronica Roth, entitled Allegiant. The characters faced a conflict with their society. They’ve discovered a video revealing their lives, or what’s beyond it. It has something to do with what they are, and something that made a drastic change in their lives. I don’t mean to spoil anything so let me just give a brief background of what would happen. Ever wondered with Beatrice on what was on the other side of the fence? We readers keep reading about the fence, and I, myself is very much curious about it as well. They are being guarded from what’s outside the fence and remember the Amity compound? There was a gate with lock from the outside, it’s meant to keep them inside the city.
Why are there guards that patrol the fence?
Why they can’t go beyond that fence?
Why are they locked from the outside?
These are the questions that come to mind of the protagonists Beatrice and Tobias, along with some significant supporting characters.
In the book, the fence was literally a fence, not some metaphor.
I think the author is using the fence as a metaphor of what she’s thinking about life or what transcends it. What if what we truly believe in is not true? What if someone is keeping the truth from us? I don’t know. These are the questions that come to my mind when I read the first few chapters.
In our lives, we don’t get to see a literal fence but we know our limits or what’s outside that boundary from where we are right now? What if it’s different from what we were accustomed to? What if, if we go beyond that, what will happen? What will we discover? What’s in store for us?
I don’t know if you can understand what I am saying. I’m not sure if you think you’re just wasting your time reading the thoughts of some random blogger. I’m just stating my thoughts here. I don’t know, maybe I was just so engross with the book that I took every word from it seriously, like my neurons just got twisted and made me think of it this way.
I, myself can’t honestly decipher or put to words the thoughts that I really want to express on this. I was just thinking of the thought and learning I have as of now. We have been accustomed to live like this: born, learn, love, death. It’s always a cycle of these things. That’s the way of life, but what if something changes it? I just realized that our way of life is simplified compared to whatever is beyond it.

Perturbation

I am encumbered by waking up every morning feeling worried of nothing. Or is it something I can't admit to myself? Or worse, don’t want to admit to myself?

I can’t seem to decipher what I feel. I suddenly felt worried and stressed everyday since I transferred a job position.

I don’t know why I feel this way. I am excited when I transferred because to be honest, it's really something I look upto and waited for a long time. I think I’m holding back something I don’t know. One of my managers keeps on asking me why the sudden change of mind. I can’t answer him. I can’t give a fucking answer to that since I don’t know as well. There’s a feeling deep in my mind that I can’t explain; I don’t have words for. It’s been going for about 3 weeks now and I think I just found the answer.

I don’t know if the answer has been with me all of these times, or I just can’t confront my soul about it. But whatever it is, I just figured it out this morning of November 22. I feel like I was such a failure. I’ve never felt so "unconfident" with my skill till now.

I have an extra language, which became an edge for me to have a different pay among the rest, and to be transferred to an easier job. They expect me to get more players using a different language I am not comfortable with, not anymore. I was. I explained them that my Korean is not that good and they agreed to it. Now I feel pressured, like I have to talk more to many of these people in my work.
Back when I was a dealer, I wasn’t forced to do that. It was more of an "if-you-just-can" situation than "you-must". I am pressured by my own skills. I am battling with myself.

It has become a sort of an an elightenment for me. I feel like I just overcome my problem. I feel like a character on a book that doesn’t know the problem then suddenly, she figures it out by herself which sounds like really smart. I adore characters like this. And that leads me to talking about the book by Veronica Roth, Divergent. The main character, Tris, knows her problem and confronts herself directly about it. I admire characters like this. I really love this book because it’s all about girl power and being confident in what you can do. But as for me, I know I can’t do it. I may not be able to do it again. I feel weaken. I may need proper and more training to make it perfect. That’s the difference between me and Tris, she has proper training and all the resources she may need, while me, I don’t have the time and energy to purse my third language and train some more.

Let me give you a hint of the book Divergent, Tris chose a different path from what she grew up with. Everything is new and awkward to her. She tried to prove to herself and the others that she is one of them, well, she had. She has weaknesses and sometimes, breaks down and loses hope. She misses her family a lot because once you made the choice; you will never see your previous family again. She proved herself to be better among the rest, but then there came a war. So the first book will not make you stop reading till you finish up to the third one. I love the story of Divergent. It's a world I am scared of but is willing to try.

Rant of an NBSB (No-Boyfriend-Since-Birth)

What is wrong with me?
Why do I feel like a person who’s incapable of loving the opposite sex?
I never dated anyone.
I never held hands with anybody but my friends.
I never had a “movie-ish” passionate kind of kiss.
And… I’ve never been in a relationship. I never had a boyfriend, be it a fling or a serious one.
I have girl friends but not a girlfriend. I do really think that the space on these compound words does make a distinction between them even though MS Word is correcting it. I chose to ignore it.
I can’t say I’m a lesbian because to be honest, I get attracted easily to guys, especially the ones who are in the range of my type. I have crushes, well, loads of them! I have a huge crush on Nicholas Hoult and the hot guy from Call Me Maybe music video named Holden Nowell. Well, I’ve dreamed of meeting my prince charming one day. And I have standards with regards to my soul mate. I believe in love and I believe in fairy tales. I’ve dreamed of having a Christian Grey kind of guy (excluding his weird dominance and dirty sex fantasies).
I have tried texting some guys. It never worked out. Maybe I talk too much? I am really not used to it so it usually ends up in Milky Way. Honestly, when messages get weird, it gets on my nerves. Not that I am angry when I was told those sweet words, it’s just that I feel irritated and that I’m just f*ing not used to it. (Sorry for the word!) It feels like my everyday routines have been altered and I don’t like having to think what to say next. It just gets in my way; work, friends, whatever it is I’m doing. I get agitated. Good thing a lot of my friends were never the “matchmaker” types. I’ve read it a lot on books that some friends will try to set you up. Well, I think my friends wouldn’t be so mean to do that for me… Or, they are so mean they won’t do it to me! I think it’s the former. I love my friends! Good thing I don’t have to force myself to go out with someone I don’t know. I would die of awkwardness, I swear.
For Thor’s sake (not taking the name of the Lord in vain!), I’m 24 and turning 25 soon… Very soon! But… I never get to experience anything! I’m such a loser. How will I be ready for the future if nothing’s going to happen now?
I love my life. I think, the problem with me before, is I felt very much secured that I didn’t need anything. I have everything when I was young, but then when you grow older, you realize there’s so much more to life than new clothing, money in your wallet and a car. I started being lonely when my father died. All the emptiness came flowing into me like some kind of a wave drowning me into the sea to meet Spongebob and his friends. Very deep part of the sea, right? And, to add up to the security, I can’t flirt. Geesh. Let me say that one more time, I CAN’T F*ING FLIRT! I just can’t do it! It is so not me! I think I’ve reached Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs: Self Actualization very soon.
One friend asked me last year “Still no boyfriend? Aren’t you worried?”, I was like “WHY WOULD I BE WORRIED? WHAT THE HELL?!”
I really don’t care. Sometimes, I don’t even care what I look like. I don’t like dressing up or anything. I just wear my jeans, an old rugged sneakers and a simple shirt. That’s it. I never dressed for everyone’s eyes and ears to talk about. I put makeup because of work, and if I’m not at work, I still put minimal makeup because I’m not used to going out without it.
Let me tell some of my attitude also; loud, vocal, hyper, energetic, jolly, bubbly, there are a lot of words to describe me. In fact, I am very transparent that no one needs to open his/her dictionary to describe me. You will usually see me laughing around the corridors like a gone-mad witch. In fact, I am also very talented! Not that I’m bragging myself about it, okay, fine, I was kind of bragging because I’m too surprised too of what I can do.
And let me tell you this, no one is asking me out. Yeah. Finally, I blurted it out. No one finds me interesting but my friends.
Friends are mean, they so love you. They are your major supporters.
And, that’s it. Just killing time while waiting for my tablet to charge on the computer.
If ever you are NICHOLAS HOULT, and you’re reading this message, I’m asking if you could spare a time for a fan and meet me. Let’s have a date and I will make sure you’ll never have a dull moment. By the way, in case you’re wondering where I am from, I can fetch you with my ship. We will have a date here in the Moon. Romantic, right?