Numb

Lately, I thought I've been feeling numb that I want to feel something. Something different that's not familiar to the senses or whatnot. I can't explain it but each time I feel cold, like literally, physically cold, I keep having weird thoughts that I, myself couldn't explain either. Maybe it's a postmenstrual syndrome, I don't know. I feel happy and ecstatic whenever around people but when I'm all alone, the feeling suddenly appears.

I think I was thinking if I should inflict physical pain to myself to awaken my senses and shake my sleeping soul. I feel entirely flat. Just living the normal life. Wake up, work, sleep, and that's about it. I was thinking if it's also related to ny best friend being resently officially in a relationship. I felt abandoned but that's not the perfect word to describe what I feel. Honestly, I'm happy for the both of them and I don't care actually.

I think I should get a tattoo. But I don't think that's an option because I don't think my current job is my dream job and I don't plan on settling here for so long. I am still waiting for that dream job to come and I'm ready to get a tattoo.

The last time I felt this weird, I got my ear peirced two at a time on one side. Eventually, I had to get rid of it because I can't hide my ear because we have to tie our hair at work.

So what is this feeling? I'm an empty shell. I can say people around are having a good timebhaving me around and to cope up to this emptiness, I am loud, I mean very loud.

I don't want to just feel this anger and regret solely, but something that wasn't there before. Something brand new is welcome. Maybe something like a Survivor challenge or sky diving or what?

Book Review : Invisibility by Andrea Cremer and David Levithan

I have no interest in reading this book when I saw it on Powerbooks but my best friend, Melo read the synopsis to me so that opened up my mind and hear to another David Levithan book.

This is very much unlikely of Levithan because knowing him from the book Everyday, the extraordinary protagonist lives in a very ordinary and realistic world. The main character struggles on its own and ends up sacrificing his love interest or so.

It ends up devastatingly (for perfect ending lovers) and lives you hanging and hoping that there's more. In this book, Stephen is invisible and only one person can see him, and why? This is not a spoiler review, but maybe, being the only girl that can only see the cursed Stephen, Elizabeth must have been extraordinary. So, that makes them two extraordinary people living an ordinary life in Manhattan.

I am not taking away credits from Cremer, and since I haven't read any of her works yet, I can't say much about her. Only, I think she was the reason behind this brilliant irony in the story.

In the middle of the story, it was nice to know that there is some kind of a cure for what has been done. There was hope. As I reach the further part of the novel, I got really bored and it slowed me down on reading. It took weeks for me to finish it.

The ending is still David Levithan-ish, if you know what I mean. I wasn't expecting the kind of ending it has because hope was presented in the middle of the story. There was a little spark inside me hoping for a miraculously good ending.

No spoilers intended so I am limiting my review with this: Love prevails and accepts what the eyes don't see. Every normality they thought was gone came back and they have no choice but to live with whatever they're satisfied with.

Fault in Our Minds

This blog isn’t about weird dreams or a review about the movie Fault In Our Stars. The feeling I have was triggered by the movie so, it’s good to do this blog right after watching the novel-turned-movie by John Green because I cried a lot on this movie, like in every part of it. The feeling just came pouring in and I just want to publish it right now without editing it, and just read it by tomorrow perhaps.

Anyway, let me just say that Shailene Woodley is an amazing actress and was very brave to have shown her bare face. She has no make-up at all. It’s obvious so I can tell, but of course, who knows? She is a new inspiration to me. She has all the freckles and other imperfections but still beautiful. That’s what girl power is all about! I love her!

I am going to talk about death. Sometimes, the way we witness death is different from the way other see it. Each experience is unique. Sometimes, it’s a matter of importance of that someone who passed away. It’s about the way a person stood in your life.

We say the same to a dying relative that we experience touch of death on someone we love but we only say that because it’s what’s appropriate and what’s supposed to be. Who doesn’t say they don’t love their relatives anyway? But it’s not the same with a relative or someone whom you dearly love; the way that a person touched and affected your life and became a big part of it. We can say, a close cousin who has become like a sister or a brother, your parents, grandparents, a friend or a best friend; it’s endless. We never know when life would be taken away from us.

Relating to the story of Hazel, her experience is unique. She has seen someone, a guy, who changed her life for a brief moment that feels forever, fade away slowly. She has seen Gus die each day, and with that her heart dies too. I was so caught up with the movie that I don’t even care if they’re laughing at me because they wouldn’t have understood the way each and everybody feels about it. The way they feel sometimes transpires in the story they see. Those teenager boys beside me are probably laughing but I don’t give a damn. It’s quite funny and amazing that a movie can really touch the way a person feels.

What I’m saying is, I don’t know how to end this blog. It’s just that I thought I wanted to blog about death and its unique experience it gives us. I just want to say how great John Green is for making this novel. He is like the author Peter Van Houten on the novel, only he’s not a douchebag. Maybe he wants to give us a feeling of Hazel and Gus’s hanging feeling and question on the book mentioned in the novel, An Imperial Affliction? He gave quite an ending but what happens to Hazel? Does she make it or not? What’s the life after that?

I promised myself that I would never ever read John Green’s creations again, but he is really a brilliant author so I break that promise. Next on my list is Paper Towns and Abundance of Katherines.

Book Review: Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell

This is my first book review and expect that this would be long because I would be pouring out all my feelings.

It all started in Fully Booked since me and my friend Shobe, saw this book. And when we visited the place once again, after my birthday, I've seen it again: Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell. I was stuck on what to buy: Statistical Probability of Love At First Sight, This Is What Happy Looks Like both by Jennifer Smith or The Beginning of Everything by Robyn Schneider (no, not Rob Schneider!). After what seems like a lifetime of two hours of thinking and researching (Thank God there's goodreaders.com) I finally ended up with this book I wasn't sure about. I trusted my instincts because it has the "New York Times Bestseller" on the cover, and I promised myself never to buy anything that doesn't have those letter printed on the cover. And make sure that it's not "Author of the New Times Bestseller blah blah", I mean I want the legitimately accepted bestseller. I got a little phobia for reading The Soul Seekers, I just finished the first book and I have no intentions of pushing through the whole series.

Anyway, I really don't have high expectation for this book, which is good considering my standards. I want something that would make me feel like I don't want to go to work and is eager to turn to the next page and know what would happen next; something that would make me feel one with the story. Well, I got it with this book.

I can relate much to Eleanor because I am a woman of 20's that have a lot of insecurities. And we weren't even sure if whatever flowery words guys tell us is true. There would always be a negative thought behind the pleasing words. Having not found my Park Sheridan yet, well, Im sure he's out there somewhere, (I guess I just want to say that) which leads us to... The "anyway" word...

Anyway, I really adore Park's feelings to Eleanor and maybe it's true, that if you fall in love for someone, you only see the good things in them, but when you see the bad ones, it makes you love them even more and their imperfections; looking through the eyes of love. This book was all about  how to learn to love someone without looking what's on the cover. And what I love about it is that it covers the thoughts of both characters. So you wont have to ask "is she crazy?" Or "is he just playing her?" Their feelings are very well explained on the novel. 

It took me 4 days long to finish the book because I have to go to work and I can tell you how much I missed when I leave it lying on my desk. So many times I attempted to bring it to work but afraid that I'll make it dirty so I only read it when I got home. I only want to go home asap to read it. 

When I finished it, my face was blank and I was shouting 

 

"what's this book?!" 

 

"That's it?!"

 

"That's about it?!"

 

I even flipped the pages back and forth to see if there's anything I've missed and read the acknowledgements maybe there's something in there.  But none. That's about it. The book was finished. It leaves you hanging but not much like David Levithan's Everyday. I'm satisfied. I feel like I was still looking for something but all in all, the story was highly satisfactory and beautiful.

I highly recommend this book and gives it 5 stars.

Weird Dreams : April 1, 2014 [9:38 PM]

With sleep still on my eyes, I forced myself to write at this very hour when I was shaken by a bad dream. 

I was at our house and it was a mix of jungle and a living room. Ground was not tiled but all dirt. It looks like I was sitting on a bench outside a forest. There was a wooden small gate. I came out looking for “Mama Bear” who gives love advice when I heard our maid’s voice. I was on a dark alley, a very dark alley. It’s like dawn and no one is there.

I went back inside the house.

An orange creature with a breed somewhere between an orangutan and monkey is on my mom’s right shoulder. Our maid was asking what it was. Her words were slurred and I can’t figure out what she was saying next. It’s like the name of the creature was Magnolia. I was headed outside, while saying Magnolia? What kind of creatures is that?

I turned my back heading somewhere west and it leaped on my shoulder and touched my head and I woke up with a gasp and was struggling to remove something. I panicked and was trying to shake the fear. I wiggled in my bed like a worm while doing the funny panicked gasping sound.

Then slowly, my heart starts to pound really hard on my rib cage.

I drifted back to sleep and my dream was all dark. It has people I don’t remember but sure I was escaping my mother. I don’t remember much of it but whenever I read a good book, it happens on every end of the month. It’s as if my soul becomes one with the book I was currently reading and happens in my dreams.

 Honestly, looking back, this is a really funny dream.

Weird Dreams : April 13, 2014

This is so weird.

I went living in with a partner I can't even recall the face, who has a dead stalker in a form of a white fog. Live in? Being a patron of marriage, this is a huge turn of event. We were driving in woods and suddenly everything seems to be blowing from behind. It's becoming colder and colder and very hard to drive because the woods is thick with fog and we can't see a damn thing.

And then there was my brother. Dreams can be mistaken into a reality. I was crying and telling my broher that whatever happens, I will still be his sister. I heard my uncle telling my mom to tell my lilttle brother that he was adopted. But my.mom refuse to tell him.

I was almost lost in a dark road I can't even recall I've been before. My partner texted me to come back home because it's too late.

And when I opened my eyes, relief flooded over me that my brother isn't really adopted. I was there when he was born.

Dreams are crazy. Twisting your mind into reality. I'm glad I woke up early not to finish this weird dream. But I guess that was about it, you never get to see a dream's happy ending.

Weird Dreams : April 9, 2014

All I want to happen is to be stopped being chased in my dream. My soul is getting tired of being chased all the time! I curse my self for reading fictional stories but I can't help it. I wouldn't stop reading them because I love them. And this is what I get from loving them!

Fine. I'll take it. My guy friends who I grew accustomed with turns out to be Nephilims in my dream. And they were chasing me. And when we say Nephilim, it is based on the concept of Becca Fitzpatrick's Hush Hush series (because it's what I was reading that time). I'm glad Nephilims aren't real and I know the dream doesn't make sense but if they're real, I'd be dead by now because they can invade your dream. And luckily, since it was a dream, I can ran fast. I ran as fast as I can, jumping and hitting metals, gravel stones and fences. This was the very first dream that I was able to outrun everything. I feel tired and restless but I know its a good sign. But I was always being chased.

That's all I remember. Keep running to survive and never get killed.